so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
