I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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