my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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