I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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