I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
