I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
