Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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