I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
