I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
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