But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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