I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
