kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
