Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
