Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
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