you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
