you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
