We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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