My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
