did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize