Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
