big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
