ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
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