I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
