he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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