i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Randomize
