I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
