if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
