Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
