Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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