Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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