he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
