she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
