I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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