Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
