kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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