I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
