i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
