Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
