When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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