I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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