I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
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