put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
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I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
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I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
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