i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
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