im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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