I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
