now i know why i became what i already was.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
If I die, sorry about rent.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
