Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
