I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Randomize
