I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
