I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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