Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
