I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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