i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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