The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
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woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
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My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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