I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
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