Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
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